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Confessions of a Chronic Pain Brain…

As I sit here and write this, my lower back is throbbing and at the same time, my brain is going berserk. I want to get very angry, then I want to cry, and then, I just want it all to stop. Oh, how easy it would be to make it all just go away…

This is literally the every day routine I go through, right when I wake up in the morning. You see, chronic back pain, is a mind F*ck, every single morning and it can consume you, ruin your entire day if you let it.

Instead, I instantly get up, I crouch-hobble to the bathroom, I take a couple Tylenol, and I slam nearly 20 ounces of water. Ok, a little relief.

Then, I sit on my bed and try to calm my brain, I attempt to meditate but the pain is most times so overwhelming, I lose focus and can spiral out of control with anger, hopelessness, and despair.

If I can give any advice, don’t do this, it only makes matters worse. Your brain is going nuts with the pain radiating from your knees, lower back, or wherever your chronic dilemma might be shooting from, that sends waves of pain signals back up to the brain to tell yourself: “PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!!!”

Its really a never-ending cycle of lunacy, anxiety, followed by a wave of depression…and I’m not talking, oh, I feel bad for 30 minutes and then everything is ok. I’m talking hours of non-stop anarchy going on within your brain until you lash out, cry, or find relief and fall asleep from being worn out. These bouts can last hours, days, weeks and even into months. Even worse, they can be debilitating.

Unfortunately, the battles with this chronic ailment have taken over my life nearly 10 years now. Most people have zero idea that I even have a chronic pain problem as I never really broadcasted it to strangers, especially employers. I am “legally disabled,” whatever that means…I’ll tell you what it means. It means you have to file claims with the state while some slap dick “medical underwriter” calls you and asks stupid questions about your body and Activities of Daily Living (ADL) capabilities.

Then, they record it and it goes to another slap dick, who is a “higher up,” and is supposed to be some type of Doctor who can “assess” your situation. They instantly deny you because of your youthful age, and not what is actually the problem and then call you back, telling you, you’re denied and to re-apply for disability in a month, or you can appeal the current situation, only to be denied again.

Now, I won’t go on a rant about the State and their medical help, but frankly, it’s an utter joke. And so, I press on with life and do what I can.

I then join Chronic Pain Anonymous groups, random chronic pain website groups, and all we do is bitch and complain about our pain, never really getting to the root of the problems, or how we can find a permanent solution. Most of the attitudes are “this is how it is, and this is my life in torment…I just have to live with it.”

I had developed this attitude for quite a while, even going down the rabbit hole of drugs and alcohol, constantly pissed off at the world, and saying a big “F*ck YOU” to everyone and anyone in it. I began activities of very risky behavior, rebellious attitudes, not fearing anything, not fearing death, not fearing ramifications for my actions, and most importantly, not thinking about others in the process. It becomes a selfish way of thinking and living…

I believe it’s only human nature, to start feeling sorry for ourselves. I want to use the word “ourselves” to lump more people in with MYSELF to make me feel better. But stay with me…there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

After some time in the dumps, the doom and gloom, the depression cycles, the anxiety nights, the suicidal thoughts, the prison of depression, you then come to a cross-roads. It’s like that saying “sink or swim” mentality. It’s “I’m willing to die tonight, to end the suffering, to be rid of this shit once and for all” or…how can I live a life of meaning, and how can I help someone with this shit, and how the hell can I make, even the smallest of life moves, to find relief, but also, become a productive member of society?

How can I really appreciate life, to find joy in the smallest of things? How can I be of service to others, even those dealing with chronic ailments much worse than I have it? While asking all these questions, I could only hope to find peace in knowing that others, like myself, are dealing with the same exact questions as me.

I could write out a hundred other questions that pop in my head, but they always circle back to the constant ONE question of how I can find a solution to my chronic pain brain?

I will let you in on something, the day you start to step back, and I mean REALLY step out of yourself, and analyze everything around you, people, places, and things, do you really grasp what life and meaning is all about. You also become super self-aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and how those lead to actions that are permanent.

What I mean is, I CHOOSE at the beginning of my day, whether I am going to have a good day or not. I CHOOSE if I will let my chronic pain brain defeat me, or if I will overcome it’s dark, deep thoughts of self-pity and resentment for everything and everyone put in front of me.

I have come to begin a process of giving up my pain, my worries, my resentments, my pissed off attitudes, and putting them all in a box, and giving them up or away to a Power greater than myself. Call it “God,” call it a “Higher Power,” call it a “Divine,” or even something as simple as the “Universe or Nature.”

What I mean is, I have come to process the idea, that I, a living human being, cannot take my constant pain away, but if I give it away to something more powerful than myself, there’s almost this self-fullfilling prophecy that upends my thinking, in which thoughts become things, and things become actions.

You might be sitting and reading this, wondering “WHAT THE EFF IS HE TALKING ABOUT!?”

Let me briefly explain. When I came to terms with the idea, concept, or self-truth: “I AM NOT GOD,” I was hit with a sense of enjoyment, peace, and truth that I do not have the power to immediately take all my pain away. I do not have the power to take away my mental struggles either. But what I do have, is the ability to give up all of these things to something greater than myself.

It was then that this enabled me to find ACTION in doing things that would help create a structure, or a way of living that would help ease my suffering, so much in that I have days that are mostly chronic pain free.

This all came in the form of journaling, writing down my thoughts and worries, my pains during that time. Whether it be in the morning, noon, or nighttime. Journaling has become an outlet that has proven very useful to me. Also, giving up myself to something more, I was able to find joy in little things: a walk out in nature, to really grasp my surroundings, the birds chirping, the Sun on my face, the rain hitting the ground, the wind blowing, anything that would put my focus on something else, something more than myself.

You see, when you entirely grasp the idea, the TRUTH, that you are just a tiny spec on this Earth, and that you are smack dab on it, and there are so many enjoyable things around you, you start to not really give a shit about the physical pain and mental pain tormenting you. It’s like you are distracted from it. I don’t care if its even 30 minutes to an hour of relief, just having my nature and the Higher Power among me, gives me a sense of peace, in which, tells my mind to calm down, and therefore, tells my body, that it’s ok and you’re OK.

With this walking, comes the notion of MOVEMENT. Anyone with chronic pain, who’s dealt with it for years, will know that “motion is lotion.” Motion, whether a walk, a bike ride, a hike, a swim, or any activity that gets your ass MOVING will have some type of effect on the brain and body. Scientists have confirmed that humans were meant to walk, crawl, climb, and enjoy the outside of nature. When we are doing those things, we are at our core state of being a human being.

It is with these movements, these basic ideals of human living, that one, such as myself, can find so much peace and joy. Torments of shattered relationships, anxiety about money, buying useless shit to “make me feel better,” or clinging to material shit like a car to find instant gratification or pleasure all go out the window. You see, all these things above might shoot a dose of dopamine into your brain, but it will be very short lived, and I have found that my mental/physical pain from my chronic illness will come back tenfold using this idiot-consumerism idea that material crap will solve my problems. THAT IS A LIE WE’VE BEEN SOLD IN THIS COUNTRY.

Let’s get back to dealing with chronic pain, using positive thoughts and movements. It is then, we start to feel a little better, we begin to read books, scientific articles, and research new methods being used to battle chronic pain. OK, maybe this is a stretch, but this is certainly what I began to do. I then would go on a journey, of traveling to different areas, different doctors, different holistic medicine women and men, who would give their thoughts and expertise.

It is here that I found more scientific methods to help ease my pain: Hyperbaric Oxygen chambers, Stem-Cell injection therapies, Chinese acupuncture, Restorative Yoga, muscle movements in the gym, ANYTHING that would be helpful to myself, and to whom I could share my experiences with.

I could go on a long, and detailed description of my journey, but I don’t want to bore you, instead I want to quickly recap what I have found to be my personal experiences and be MY TRUTHS in the process of living with Chronic Pain and a Chronic Pain Brain:

1. Your thoughts become your actions, how you choose to be, react, and carry-out your day, is ultimately up to you, but it all stems from your immediate thoughts upon waking up, and how you decide to think, plan out, and react to it. On the flip side, there is the “f*ck it” attitude and your day is lost.
2. You are NOT GOD, you can’t just waive a magic wand, and make your problems (life problems too) of pain disappear. Give them up to something more, I don’t care, it could be your cat or dog, just give them up to something else, it makes you feel better knowing that you can’t totally CONTROL every little thing about yourself and your pain.
3. Gratification in material shit, is only, temporary. It will not bring you lasting enjoyment, only small episodes of pleasure, and then it’s gone. The same goes for alcohol and drugs.
4. MOTION IS LOTION. Always try and move, get out into nature, enjoy the Sun when it is out. Embrace your environment, enjoy the little things around you, the plants, the animals, living things speak to us…
5. Pivot towards your pain, not away from it: this one is tricky. What I mean is, if you’re in pain, in the moment, acknowledge it, don’t run and hide from it like laying down in bed or in the dark, this leads to constant depressions and that shit is a prison. Acknowledge it and tell yourself: “I hear you brain, rest easy, we are onto something great today.”
6. Help Others: Get your own mind out of yourself. GO BE OF SERVICE to others. Volunteer at a chronic pain clinic. Talk with others that struggle like you…and I don’t mean sitting online to vent, I mean GO OUT PHYSICALLY AND ENGAGE WITH OTHER HUMANS. Human engagement and socializing tend to take our minds off of the pain.
7. Get a gym membership and exercise: MOVEMENT again, it’s always movement that is key. Foam roll, stretch, walk on the treadmill, or bike. Gyms also have FREE Yoga classes and Stretching classes throughout the week.
8. Read, investigate, and research into new and old scientific studies on pain relief: When I did this, I found that a healthy dose of massages, acupuncture, and lower back exercises were key to be a part of my daily plan
9. GET A JOB THAT REQUIRES SOME MOVEMENT: I personally believe that people who sit indoors, inside a cubicle, and no sunlight, are destined for a slow, painful, death. It’s also why I’ve never had a desk job since I was 25, nor will I ever get one again. Sitting and being a sloth behind a computer indoors is BS. And American Consumerism tells us otherwise. That is a LIE. Get up and MOVE. It’s the only way to get your red blood cells flowing, oxygen to your scars inside the body, and endorphins flowing to make yourself feel better. Believe me, it works.
10. Journal on your thoughts, reflect upon your day: I have a journal that I constantly write in. When I feel shitty, I write it down, and I reflect upon the activities I had done the day before, the food I ate, and how much sitting on my ass I did. It helps to keep yourself accountable. Because if your body is anything like mine, what you did the day before will most definitely have an effect on how you feel the following day.
11. EAT CLEAN: Lean meats like chicken, beef, and fish with Organic Vegetables are priority. Shop at a Whole Foods store. Drink plenty of water, and only water. Stop drinking shitty soda and liquids high in sugar. This will only flare up your pain more and lead to further health issues.
12. Be thankful for your day, your life, and the experience that you can bring to others. People who suffer from chronic pain, knowing that they’re NOT alone, will be so thankful that you can be of service and maybe help them throughout their day. It’s a priceless gift to be thankful, even if all you have, is YOU.
13. Start SMALL: Don’t try and create a whole new system all at once. That just leads to frustration, disaster, and giving up and then you’re right back to laying in bed, pissed off at the world. Instead, write down ONE thing you will do in your day to work on your chronic pain. It could be ANYTHING small, like take a 10 minute walk outside, first thing in the morning to get the muscles and juices flowing in the body. Do this for 30 days straight. It’s the SMALL ACTIONS that lead to a bright and beautiful goal that can be achieved down the road.
14. Develop this action, with another…and another, until your day is a written out structure of little actions that will lead to a daily life of fulfillment, but also helping ease the suffering of chronic pain.
15. Journal again: start to see how your brain slowly switches its thoughts, from negative to more positive thoughts, and yes, even upon waking up, it could happen. Write those down too, reflect, learn from it…but ultimately, embrace it when your brain is actually flooding you with some positivity!
16. NEVER LOSE HOPE, ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALONE

***Please comment or share ANYTHING that helps you with chronic pain. It can be any type of chronic pain. I’m always curious and interested to learn new methods and tactics to relieve pain!!